Self-love 101: Learn to Fill Your Cup First Before Filling Theirs’
Two strong and independent individuals, deeply in love with each other, gracefully stepping forward for a beautiful soul union. Beneath the mighty and fiery caduceus of winged snakes — a symbol of balance, attraction, and trade, they share their loving heartfelt emotions by exchange of their cups.
Hence the name — two of cups. A beautiful and positive card in tarot to describe a healthy and successful relationship.
What intrigues me the most in this card is the state of cups that these souls carry. The cups are already filled.
Both of these individuals have charged their cups with self-love before coming in union with each other.
Yes, they didn’t wait for their soulmate to come in and love them. They considered it as their own responsibility and did it by themselves.
Why do you need to love yourself?
A person may or may not believe in soulmates. But I guess nobody would deny the fact that we, as humans, want love.
Whether romantic or platonic — we all love it when people in our lives cherish us and care for us. It makes us feel important and valued. And it makes us happy.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Love is a blissful feeling. The desire for love in humans is quite fundamental and natural.
The problem, however, lies in the way we seek this love for ourselves. We are taught to seek it externally from other people. Our society conditions us to believe that it’s the only way to satisfy our love cravings.
So we do everything in our control to get that love. We do what others want us to do, act how others want us to act, to be accepted by them.
And the results? Even if we do win this quest for love, we lose our true authentic selves in the process.
Consequently, we do NOT receive love for who we truly are, but for who this world wants us to be, or for what we bring to the table.
Truly speaking, we receive conditional love.
All this happens because we put people on pedestals and give them the power to validate us.
And if they don’t, we become a victim of low self-worth and fall prey to self-doubts.
We begin to believe that there’s something terribly wrong with us.
So is there any good in waiting and wishing for someone else to come into your life and fill your cup?
Or is it time that we learn to fill our own cups instead and get ready for an exquisite exchange?
Fill your own cup with the potion of self-love
Self-love is the magical gateway to transform your pain into purpose.
It’s an alternative to fulfill that fundamental desire of love we were talking about, by seeking love from within.
It stems from the understanding that we all are inherently valuable. And we can and should love ourselves for just our being.
Yes, we don’t need any other reason. We don’t have to meet certain standards of beauty, status, or finances, to deserve love. We can love ourselves just for existence because that itself is magical!
Look, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. None of us are perfect or will ever be. But our flaws are what makes us human.
So hating ourselves for our flaws is like hating ourselves for being human.
And as far as true love is concerned, it is never meant to be backed by reasons. That’s why it’s ‘unconditional’.
So…
Instead of being hard on ourselves for not being perfect, we should learn to be proud of ourselves for being real.
~Rashi
That’s what self-love teaches us!
How self-love plays out in your life?
I’ve seen the most hilarious expression on the faces of people on the mention of self-love. The expression full of obliviousness, surprise, and annoyance all at the same time.
Since nobody teaches us about it, the notion of self-love seems foreign, alienating, and even fake to some of us.
That’s why it’s important to know what self-love looks like and how it plays out in your life.
The impact of self-love in my life has been quite profound. It swept into my day-to-day life in numerous different forms and improved me as a person every single day.
Here’s how:
• Some days my love for myself helped me better deal with my failures. Other days it encouraged me to take a break from accomplishing my “to-do” list when I was not in the best place — emotionally, mentally, or physically.
• Sometimes it taught me to distance myself from unnecessary external conflicts that disturb my peace. And other times, it nudged me to address and resolve my inner conflicts, because I deserve peace.
• It taught me to unapologetically put myself first and set healthy boundaries in my relationships. Because I knew I can’t serve others wholeheartedly when I am not well myself.
• And during the times when I committed a mistake or accidentally screwed up, it reminded me that I’m a human and my mistakes are a sign of that. So instead of feeling embarrassed or guilty about them, I learned to laugh at them, joyfully learn from them, and move on.
Self-love did NOT magically resolve the problems of my life. But it helped me grow into a person who is better equipped to solve them.
Self-love in action: What does it look like?
A while ago, I was mad at myself for failing to finish my study sessions timely.
Whenever I would set a goal to complete abc in let’s say x hours, I only end up completing ab in those x hours.
And it happened QUITE A LOT!!!
The first wave of thought that crossed my mind -
“God … I’m such a laggard. With this crocodile speed, I won’t get anywhere. I won’t be able to get anything done. What a wonderful way to set yourself up for failure. Why am I so dumb?”
…
As soon as this wave came to rest, I realized I was being hard on myself again. So I challenged myself to think differently.
…
Then the second wave of thought sprouted in my mind -
“Okay, I admit that I could only get ab done. But I know in my heart that I did them quite well. I explored the idea and its relation to the subject instead of just skimming through the definitions and mugging them up. I understood the topic in-depth. And that makes me a fantastically fabulous student.”
As soon as I said that, a couple of ideas popped into my head-
- I called my friend and proposed to her the idea of group study. We divided the syllabus into halves and planned zoom meetings for discussion. I anticipate that this idea will lead to saving 25% of the time.
- I realized that development, at its core, is problem-solving. So to be successful in my pursuit, all I need to do is polish my problem-solving skills. It doesn’t really matter if I solve 100 questions or just 50? What matters is how quick of wits I garner in the process.
And just like that, I pulled myself out of anxiety with understanding and compassion.
That’s self-love right there, IN ACTION!
Self-discipline is self-love
Recently I learned another critical aspect of self-love that refined my perspective on this subject.
And that is self-discipline.
Self-discipline is the definition of self-love.
~Will Smith
Yes, when you’re in love with yourself, you consistently do things that are RIGHT for yourself even if you don’t feel like doing them.
You don’t chase temporary pleasures, but everlasting peace and fulfillment.
This may sound like a bit of tough love, but honestly, that’s what it looks like in practice.
Self-love is hard.
Self-love is work.
But every second of this work will be worth it. After all, the most beautiful things in life don’t come easy.
How can you embody self-love?
I see self-love as a mind’s muscle that can be strengthened with training over time. These training practices usually differ from one person to another since we all have different ways of showing love and affection.
However, if you’re absolutely unsure of where to start, here are the top four ways that have worked the best for me:
1) Change the narrative — Next time you find yourself self-criticizing, challenge yourself to think differently. Change the narrative of the story that makes you think you’re not good enough. Find a silver lining, it always exists.
2) Book self-care sessions — Practice a self-care activity once a day or once a week. This can be anything from reading a book to going on a walk. Anything that relaxes your mind and body. It will boost your happiness index over time and will prep you with better productivity for other areas of your life.
3) Do more of what you love — Give yourself the freedom to do things that you love doing. Even if they don’t contribute to your goals or lead to material abundance, do them simply for the sake of your joy and fulfillment.
4) Treat yourself — Don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back after hitting every milestone. Reward yourself for your hard work in some way or the other.
Self-love is not selfish
I googled the synonyms of self-love
aaaannnndddd…
Surprise!!! Surprise!!!
Here’s what I found
egotism, narcissism, arrogance…
…these are among the top twenty ones.
***round of applause***
Why do you think this is the case? Because that’s how society perceives self-love.
People think that putting ourselves first is selfish.
And that’s a total misconception.
This distorted perspective has limited many of us from living a wholesome and satisfying life.
Self-love is not selfish. In fact, it is the purest and most unconditional form of love.
When we love ourselves, we grow stronger and become more independent — emotionally and mentally.
We learn to pull ourselves back up from setbacks and heartaches with optimism and grace.
We learn to fulfill our needs and desires on our own.
Self-love eliminates codependency issues from our relationships.
And then something magical happens.
- Firstly, you get the ability to love and care for others better since you get into a better headspace.
- And secondly, you connect with others from a place of true love. You stay with them not because you need them, but because you simply wish to be with them.
How can something so pure and compassionate be selfish?
Self-love doesn’t put an end to your self-growth
There’s a school of thought quite popular over the internet…
“Self-love is self-acceptance”
…which is perfectly fine. However, it sometimes gets confusing.
If self-love means self-acceptance, then it is a nudge to embrace all our flaws, our bad habits, and our unhealthy and toxic patterns.
Right?
Yes, but only partially. Self-love definitely teaches us to acknowledge our flaws and accept ourselves.
But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for the current version of yourself. You don’t have to get complacent.
You can always work on your weaknesses and become a better person.
If your bad habits get in the way of your goals, you can cultivate self-control to break free from them and achieve your dreams.
If your anger issues create chaos in your life, you can start a meditation practice for a greater sense of peace.
Anything you do for your highest good is self-love.
Self-love is not a choice between self-acceptance and self-growth. It’s a healthy balance of both.
~Rashi
Wrapping up…
Self-love is not a magic wand that kicks away the critics in your head forever or dissipates your fears and insecurities in seconds. But it gives birth to a part in you that is your best ally and tends to the “critic” in you with patience and love. And over time, helps you to work through your shadow aspects and overcome them.
So that was all the lessons I learned and perspectives I developed in my journey of self-love till now.
